Finding Ourselves

For the past few months, I've simply not known what to write. At times I wonder why we felt so strongly about adoption last summer. The process is slow and at times confusing, but I've soon come to realize that this process isn't so much about "finding our children" but "finding ourselves."

Dream Castles. Image by Greg Olsen

Finding ourselves is not an easy nor a quick process. There are times when we feel like we have conquered one mountain in our life only to turn around to face another (that sometimes seems even more daunting!) There are times when it would seem so much easier to throw our hands up and simply stop - give up - quit trying.

This week I've definitely been reminded how important it is to keep going, sometimes during the most seemingly "random" of times.

• Inspiration for a character in my story becomes deeply personal and draws me to a talk by President Thomas S. Monson. (He defines "enduring" as "to withstand with courage.")

• In a book about running they note that the first "10 minutes are the toughest" - if you can push past that, its much easier to keep going (and that much more rewarding!)

• A general conference talk used by a sister during a visiting teaching visit notes that blessings can come from our challenges and can even "more than compensate for any cost" and that a "foundation of faith ... takes time to build."

It was during an especially hard moment that I realized: Our children (whenever and however they come) are special - so special that their parents need a little extra help before they can come! (I can just imagine them saying to each other, "Boy, our parents are taking a loooong time!!")

It is for them that I keep trying doing*. I keep going forward, allowing my Heavenly Father to help me become a better person through my challenges, and begin to find myself one piece at a time so that I can one day be the mother of these special souls.

Sarah


* Trying: "make an attempt or effort"
Doing: "perform, act, accomplish"

Read President Monson's talk here
Read President Eyring's talk here

We Are Expected to Walk

I've been asked about our adoption process, and I've struggled to know what to say lately as our journey to adopt can only be described as a "pioneer experience."

Virginia H. Pearce tells us that to reach "our goal, our journey's end ... to get there we are expected to walk and walk and walk."

And honestly, that's how we feel. We've been walking, and walking...and walking! This journey for us is going to take time, patience, and faith.

I find that it's easy for us to get caught up in the "busy-ness" of life. There are so many things that compete for our time and attention. I am no exception, sometimes I "run around" and hardly take time to breathe and enjoy life. It's easy to stress out and wonder what the heck you're doing!

But in a quiet moment of self-doubt and questioning, the most beautiful answer that I've received is peace.

 The Lost Lamb, image by Del Parson

Peace. It's such a simple concept, yet it's helped me "survive" so much. It's let me know that I am loved so much by my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. It's given me a "confidence" that has allowed me to trust that everything is happening in the way it should.

It's calmed my heart, knowing that our children are being cared for while we are being prepared and strengthened and "bettered." (Even though it's easy to take the opposite perspective during these times.) Parenthood is a sacred calling and these children need us to become greater than we are. We need to be ready and willing.

Howard W. Hunter has said, “True greatness ... always requires regular, consistent, small, and sometimes ordinary and mundane steps over a long period of time.”

So no matter how small our steps may seem, no matter how long the journey, step by step, we are going to keep walking!

Sarah

Read the complete Ensign article here

We Chose Adoption

I've been hesitant to sit down and write for a few days now, but I feel that it's important to show that there is more than one side to this journey.  

Most days, its easy to be optimistic and excited. I love the fact that we are hoping to adopt. I love that God put into our hearts that we need to adopt. Even with all the uncertainty, I feel blessed that others will reach out and give so much for us. I smile as I run my hands over a beautiful homemade blanket someone kindly gave and imagine using it for our own child.

But then there are times, my heart just breaks.
          "Just spend time with our kids, and you'll think twice before having your own."
          "Don't adopt because you are scared, there are other options," and
          "Don't you want your own kids?" 
It's times like this that I'm not sure how I should respond. Should I smile, because yes, their kids are a bit of a handful at times, but even so, that makes me love them even more? Should I laugh and keep my mouth shut? Or should I explain how much those comments can hurt, regardless of the intent they were given?

After being married for four years and still no children, you wonder what the next step in your life is. The answer, loud and clear, for us was "You need to adopt!" We've had no medical testing, no fertility treatments, no answers from doctors. Life is just what it is. Yet, this decision was not made on a whim, and this decision was not made lightly. This is a part of this journey that we don't share often. We chose adoption first. We know that most people won't understand, will have lots of questions, and will have plenty to share with us. But even so, this is the path we choose to take.

I once heard someone say, "God brings us to our knees so He can lift us up."

 Be Not Afraid, image by Greg Olsen

I can't tell you how many times I've fallen to my knees during this journey, especially during those times when you feel like all the running in the world only gets you one foot in the door. But then I remember that God will soon lift us up where He needs us to be, and I feel blessed, so blessed, that Heavenly Father is preparing me to soon meet an extraordinary young woman and an extra special child. Daily, I hold on to that beautiful image of a child in our arms and of the overwhelming love that comes when you are a part of a miracle.

Sarah

The Only Way to See the View is to Make the Climb

This week we are enjoying the beautiful lake known as Donner Lake. The air is fresh and crisp, the chipmunks make us laugh, and the bluejays bring a smile to my face as memories of my Grandma come to mind.

These past few weeks, I've felt a little discouraged. It has felt like there have been more "downs" than "ups," and we've found it hard to know where to go next. I found it very comforting when I happened to read an article where Paul V. Johnson describes one of his favorite hikes, full of beautiful vistas and tall limestone cliffs.

He says, "Getting to the top of the cliffs isn't easy, however. The trail there is a constant climb; and just before reaching the top, the climber encounters the steepest part of the trail; and the views of the canyon are hidden by the cliffs themselves."

As I pondered on this, I thought back on the "ups and downs" we have already encountered as we have only just begun this journey. Life is a constant climb and there are moments that you wonder what is up ahead (hidden from our view).

He then continues, "The final exertion is more than worth the effort because once the climber is on top, the views are breathtaking. The only way to see the views is to make the climb."

Mount Hood. Image by Darrell Wyatt

This phrase took on new meaning to me as I thought about "the mountains and the valleys" of this journey. It's often hard to see the "goal" ahead, and you find yourself questioning every step to you take.

This simple paragraph helped encourage me as I think of the beautiful baby that we hope to soon hold in our arms. It will be a climb, but like he says, "The only way to see the [breathtaking] views is to make the climb." We know that this journey will be "more than worth the effort," and we are excited to make the climb.

Sarah

The Miracle of the Pennies

This weekend we had a HUGE yard sale to help raise money for our adoption fund. Friends and family donated items for us to sell, as well as their time, their resources, and their support. (We appreciate it soo much!)

We felt that because we were so blessed that we wanted to "pass it on" and so our motto for the sale became, "Take what you need, pay what you can." We prayed that those who needed the items we were selling, regardless of their circumstances, would come. 

Below are some of the miracles we experienced, and the individuals who touched our lives.

~*~ ~*~

I talked with a man whose wife was due in 7 days, and he was looking for things to use in their home. He apologetically handed me a few dollars as he explained how they had had some car trouble, and he wished he could give us more. As he drove off, I had this overwhelming push to chase after him and give him a picture of the Logan Temple, but he had already left and so I just prayed that his family would be blessed.
          A few hours later, he came back with his sweet wife. They were able to find more items that they needed, but again, they apologized that they didn't have much - they had raided their "date jar" just so they could pay us. Interestingly enough, they were interested in the picture I had wanted them to have earlier. I felt very strongly that this family needed this picture in their home, and so with tears in my eyes, I explained how I felt, and they gratefully accepted this picture.
          The next day, the husband came back with an old cell phone, explaining that they wished they could give more, but hoped it would help us raise the money we needed.

~*~ ~*~ 

A sweet older lady was so excited about us wanting to adopt. A little while later, she came back with the most beautiful homemade baby blanket. She also brought us some blocks to add to our yard sale, wishing us the best and explaining that she felt she hadn't given enough.

~*~ ~*~

A young couple came with only 2 dollars left to their name. They really needed one of the items, but the wife loved an old box of rocks that were colorful and different. As we watched this couple, you could tell they were struggling to decide which purchase to make. They finally settled on the item they needed, apologizing for their lack of money. We explained how we wanted the items we were selling to go to those who needed them most and offered them box of rocks. The wife's eyes lit up, and my heart smiled because I too have a love for colorful and unique rocks.

~*~ ~*~ 

One item we were selling was an air conditioner. Many individuals looked and asked about it, but we had no success selling it. We contemplated different options, but the thought that kept running through my mind was, "The person who needs this the most will come." Later Saturday afternoon, a woman told us a story about how she desperately needed an air conditioner. She told us that she had very little money and was still waiting on a paycheck. With her last few dollars, she purchased the air conditioner. I can't describe how much joy and peace we felt as we helped this lady load the air conditioner. We were so thankful that we had exactly what she needed and were able to play a part in helping her family stay cool during the hot summer months.

~*~ ~*~ 

Children from around the neighborhood kept running up to us with handfuls of pennies. They were so eager to help in any way that they could and so excited to be apart of the experience. The next week, they set up a lemonade stand "just for us" so that they could help raise even more money to help us adopt our baby.

~*~ ~*~

Neighbors who we had never met donated their time, themselves, food, water, shade, support, and more. You gave so much. It was a great way to meet new friends. This was truly a HUGE blessing for us! (Thank you!)

~*~ ~*~ 

Individuals shared with us special adoption experiences, advice, resources, miracles, and more. This reminded us how important it is for us to be adopting and allowed us to share our story with others.

~*~ ~*~

These are only a few of the many different miracles we experienced. It was amazing how God was able to use us to bless others and in turn, use their "pennies" to make such a difference in our life.We feel so blessed and so very grateful for this experience.

Sarah

Sometimes He Lets It Rain

Sometimes rain comes softly, dancing across the leaves of the plants that stretch their heads towards the sky.

Image by Darrell Wyatt

Other times, the rain comes down angrily, the drops drumming out a staccato beat on the rooftop as it joins the thunder in its song.

We may often ask ourselves, "Why does it have to rain?" — often forgetting that nature takes it's nourishment from the rain — and think only of ourselves and how it upsets our day.

Life is often like that. We wonder "Why does this happen to me?" Sometimes this question can lead us to turn away from others and into ourselves, while other times it strengthens our belief in God.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot this week. Processing our decision to adopt and the reactions from others. Wondering about myself and what lies ahead in the future. It's easy to lose sight of what's important as you see the "storm clouds" roll in, forgetting that the purpose of rain is to heal the land it falls upon — to feel the empty space in our hearts.

There is one song in particular that I love about rain, and I think it speaks to how we often follow the same pattern in our lives. We may hope for relief from our challenges in life, but more often than not, they come. We struggle, but in the end, we realize that these challenges are simply "stepping stones" in our life and we are so much the better for having "weathered the storm."

The road to adoption is a hard one, filled with many "storms" that we'll want to avoid. But in the end, we'll be blessed with a child who brings sunshine into our lives and we'll be grateful to have walked this path.

Sarah





Sometime's He Lets It Rain
(Katherine Nelson)

She sees the storm clouds gather
The sky is turning cold and gray
She knows that something's coming
When she starts to feel this way
She pleads for intervention
But heaven offers no relief
And she would understand if she could only see

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
To lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief
And oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain

When her heart surrenders
To the Master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons
Of the tempest in her soul
When it's no longer raging
She can see how far she's come
Through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
To lead a heart where it can grow
He can move mountains of grief
And oceans of pain
But sometimes He lets it rain

Excited about Adoption Experience

For those of you who don't know me, I am Jason and have been married for four years to Sarah (the most wonderful wife in the world). It is an interesting thing to be a husband during the adoption process with thoughts of how to handle the physical aspects of adoption (money to raise, how to prepare to be future father, how to support my wife though the experience, etc). So far my experiences have been very positive,  I am sure that we will have a great time even through all the struggles as we work through all the steps towards adoption. Since we first started discussing adoption we both felt that though we hope still to have our own child it was time to welcome in a child into our home through other means. Though we may not be as financially wealthy as some families we feel that we can provide a loving, stable, and established home to any child. My hope is that I can be the best possible father to this child.

Jason