My Faith Is Being Perfected

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, its a little scary to try and put what's in my heart into words.

Children have always been a big part of my world, something I've always wished and dreamed about. But especially lately, as I see so many of my friends get married and have sweet little babies of their own, something inside of me aches. I am so excited and happy for them, but I wonder at the same time why I don't have a baby of my own. Sometimes its hard not to let my own feelings show when I hold a brand new baby or marvel at how smart a toddler can be. It's even harder when you have to smile and be optimistic when you answer the question "So, do you have any kids?"

Today was one of those days - overwhelmingly so. It was almost paralyzing as I realized that my dream of having my own little one hasn't yet been realized. As I waited for my husband to return home from work, I flipped through the April 2011 Ensign magazine.

Gratefully, I read a story from a sister who questioned her worth as a daughter of God and His faith in her to raise a child. She says:

"I felt so left out. Why were all these other women getting to experience pregnancy? I had tried to live my life worthily and do things I knew to be correct. So why wasn’t it happening for me?"

She put into words PERFECTLY things I have wondered myself as I've seen the lives of those around me to continue to grow while I felt left out and left behind. It is really easy to "lose faith" and lose heart during these times.

In the article, she continues by share a valuable lesson she learned about healing. When someone is healed, it can strengthen their faith. "But for those who aren't healed but continue to be faithful, their faith is being perfected."

Somehow, this simple example brought the confirming peace to my heart reminding me that this was the right thing for me to be pursuing in my life, right now, regardless of the challenges that will come with adoption.

Will my arms still ache when a friend's baby I am holding returns to their own family? Yes. But I am confident that one day soon, my arms will be full again, but with my own dreams realized and a child of my own.

Sarah

Read the complete Ensign article here