Just the Right Amount

Today I woke up thinking about a personal experience I haven't shared with many people. It's something very close to my heart, and in-spite of the "ups and downs and all-arounds" - I believe with all my heart it's part of Heavenly Father's plan for me.

One morning, about two years ago, my husband and I woke up with a very strong impression that we needed to adopt RIGHT NOW! (The only time adoption had come up to this point was in casual conversation). The idea was scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

So we grabbed each others hands and jumped right in! Immediately blessings came from every side, in the form of help, support, advice, and finances. People truly gave with their hearts. It was humbling and amazing to think that all this could lead up to having a child in our home.

But then something interesting happened. Again, we felt the strong impression to STOP what we were doing. We were baffled - things were going so well (even in-spite of the bumps that are sure to come up in a journey like this.) It tore at my heart.

But with much prayer and faith, we put our trust in our Heavenly Father. (And it wasn't too long before we discovered the reasons why we needed to put things on hold).

Paul V. Johnson spoke in General Conference shortly after we decided to adopt. (Read the complete blog post I wrote earlier that relates to this same address).

He says, "We don’t seek out tests, trials, and tribulations. Our personal journey through life will provide just the right amount for our needs. Many trials are just a natural part of our mortal existence, but they play such an important role in our progress."

"Lead, Kindly Light" by Simon Dewey

I don't know what my Heavenly Father has in-store for us when it comes to a family of our own. There are times I question the "tests, trials, and tribulations" I experience. But I know each day I discover how much my Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for each of us, and that He knows "just the right amount" so we can not only learn, but progress.

Lifting the Burdens

Forgive me as I "detour" once again when writing a blog post. I've had many thoughts come to my mind these past few weeks.

How many times (a day) do I "beat myself up" because I don't possess "super powers" that allow to me say "yes" to every single person who "needs" a yes in their life? How many times do I look in the mirror and say to myself "I can't help because it won't be enough (so I can't do anything at all)." How many times do I look at someone else and think "how come I'm not (descriptive adjective) ... like them?" (The answer is, way too many times!!) I, more than I care to admit, find myself quite easily slipping into these lines of thinking.

But recently, my somewhat limited perspective changed.

"Hands often speak as voices can’t. A warm embrace conveys volumes.
A laugh together unites us. A moment of sharing refreshes our souls. We cannot always lift the burden of one who is troubled, but we can lift them so they can bear it well."

When I heard the sister speaking share this simple, yet profound insight (along with an excellent talk!), a flood of thoughts rushed into my head and my heart...

No matter how much we want our lives to be "perfect and uncomplicated" - it never will be. Life's highway is full of challenges, trials, and blessings. (Want to know the difference between a weed and a plant? The location. Same can be said about a challenge and a blessing!) It's during these crazy moments that we learn and grow the most.

It's easy to feel like we don't have the time, talents, or means to help lift others. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't take the time to stop for a moment and think about what we can do to care for ourselves. Sometimes the person that needs the most love is US!

We often look at others and simply see the "exterior" - how they look, how they dress, how they present themselves - and all too often forget the "interior" - how they truly feel, what they worry about, what makes life worth living. We should never be quick to judge, but rather be quick to care (especially when sometimes we wonder if it is enough or if it will mean anything at all!)

We don't have to solve a problem to be helpful - sometimes the smallest thing turns out to be the BIGGEST thing to someone who is struggling. (I can't tell you how many times the smallest thing turns out to a "life preserver" during a time I feel that I am sinking!) It doesn't take much to listen, laugh, and love and for it to be meaningful and even cherished - which may be the very thing they need to keep going (so they can bear well their burdens).

Often, God touches our lives through another person and even more often, God touches our lives by asking us to reach out to another person. We should take more care to consider and follow the strong promptings and gentle nudges from the Spirit.

 Lost and Found, image by Greg Olsen

As I was once told:
Even though life is hard, keep going. Even though sometimes life may not feel like its worth living, keep trying. Each day is a new day. In the end, it will all be worth it.

Sarah

Eyes of a Child

I've been helping out in the Primary recently and have absolutely loved helping wherever they need me. I believe that I need and learn so much more in Primary and from these children then they do from me!

Today was no exception. The class was small, filled with lively but sweet little five year olds. It was definitely a rare opportunity for me to be the only teacher and at first I really doubted that I had anything "of value" to offer these children. I silently prayed all through music time about what would be the most important thing to teach these kids.

At the end of music time, I still didn't have any idea that I felt 100% good about teaching. Just before heading to class, the Primary President handed me a box of activities that I might possibly use. I quickly glanced through it while heading to our class and immediately knew where to start the lesson.

After the opening prayer (one of the sweetest little prayers!) I took a deep breathe and opened my mouth. I really felt "clumsy" compared to these children as we talked about missionaries - their answers truly blew me away (and made me smile too!)

Then the most amazing thing happened when we started talking about how we can all be missionaries (even though we may not be old enough yet). The most peaceful feeling came over the entire class as we talked about how bearing our testimony is a powerful tool when it comes to sharing the gospel. There aren't any words to express how the rest of class went, it was truly an amazing experience. The innocence and love I felt from each child is one that I always treasure when I'm with these kids.

It is these children and my experiences with them that inspired me today.

Sarah

"To truly see the beauty in life one must simply look into the eyes of a child."

 Click image to enlarge

 Images by Tacie Wright and Jason Lee

Finding Ourselves

For the past few months, I've simply not known what to write. At times I wonder why we felt so strongly about adoption last summer. The process is slow and at times confusing, but I've soon come to realize that this process isn't so much about "finding our children" but "finding ourselves."

Dream Castles. Image by Greg Olsen

Finding ourselves is not an easy nor a quick process. There are times when we feel like we have conquered one mountain in our life only to turn around to face another (that sometimes seems even more daunting!) There are times when it would seem so much easier to throw our hands up and simply stop - give up - quit trying.

This week I've definitely been reminded how important it is to keep going, sometimes during the most seemingly "random" of times.

• Inspiration for a character in my story becomes deeply personal and draws me to a talk by President Thomas S. Monson. (He defines "enduring" as "to withstand with courage.")

• In a book about running they note that the first "10 minutes are the toughest" - if you can push past that, its much easier to keep going (and that much more rewarding!)

• A general conference talk used by a sister during a visiting teaching visit notes that blessings can come from our challenges and can even "more than compensate for any cost" and that a "foundation of faith ... takes time to build."

It was during an especially hard moment that I realized: Our children (whenever and however they come) are special - so special that their parents need a little extra help before they can come! (I can just imagine them saying to each other, "Boy, our parents are taking a loooong time!!")

It is for them that I keep trying doing*. I keep going forward, allowing my Heavenly Father to help me become a better person through my challenges, and begin to find myself one piece at a time so that I can one day be the mother of these special souls.

Sarah


* Trying: "make an attempt or effort"
Doing: "perform, act, accomplish"

Read President Monson's talk here
Read President Eyring's talk here

We Are Expected to Walk

I've been asked about our adoption process, and I've struggled to know what to say lately as our journey to adopt can only be described as a "pioneer experience."

Virginia H. Pearce tells us that to reach "our goal, our journey's end ... to get there we are expected to walk and walk and walk."

And honestly, that's how we feel. We've been walking, and walking...and walking! This journey for us is going to take time, patience, and faith.

I find that it's easy for us to get caught up in the "busy-ness" of life. There are so many things that compete for our time and attention. I am no exception, sometimes I "run around" and hardly take time to breathe and enjoy life. It's easy to stress out and wonder what the heck you're doing!

But in a quiet moment of self-doubt and questioning, the most beautiful answer that I've received is peace.

 The Lost Lamb, image by Del Parson

Peace. It's such a simple concept, yet it's helped me "survive" so much. It's let me know that I am loved so much by my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. It's given me a "confidence" that has allowed me to trust that everything is happening in the way it should.

It's calmed my heart, knowing that our children are being cared for while we are being prepared and strengthened and "bettered." (Even though it's easy to take the opposite perspective during these times.) Parenthood is a sacred calling and these children need us to become greater than we are. We need to be ready and willing.

Howard W. Hunter has said, “True greatness ... always requires regular, consistent, small, and sometimes ordinary and mundane steps over a long period of time.”

So no matter how small our steps may seem, no matter how long the journey, step by step, we are going to keep walking!

Sarah

Read the complete Ensign article here

We Chose Adoption

I've been hesitant to sit down and write for a few days now, but I feel that it's important to show that there is more than one side to this journey.  

Most days, its easy to be optimistic and excited. I love the fact that we are hoping to adopt. I love that God put into our hearts that we need to adopt. Even with all the uncertainty, I feel blessed that others will reach out and give so much for us. I smile as I run my hands over a beautiful homemade blanket someone kindly gave and imagine using it for our own child.

But then there are times, my heart just breaks.
          "Just spend time with our kids, and you'll think twice before having your own."
          "Don't adopt because you are scared, there are other options," and
          "Don't you want your own kids?" 
It's times like this that I'm not sure how I should respond. Should I smile, because yes, their kids are a bit of a handful at times, but even so, that makes me love them even more? Should I laugh and keep my mouth shut? Or should I explain how much those comments can hurt, regardless of the intent they were given?

After being married for four years and still no children, you wonder what the next step in your life is. The answer, loud and clear, for us was "You need to adopt!" We've had no medical testing, no fertility treatments, no answers from doctors. Life is just what it is. Yet, this decision was not made on a whim, and this decision was not made lightly. This is a part of this journey that we don't share often. We chose adoption first. We know that most people won't understand, will have lots of questions, and will have plenty to share with us. But even so, this is the path we choose to take.

I once heard someone say, "God brings us to our knees so He can lift us up."

 Be Not Afraid, image by Greg Olsen

I can't tell you how many times I've fallen to my knees during this journey, especially during those times when you feel like all the running in the world only gets you one foot in the door. But then I remember that God will soon lift us up where He needs us to be, and I feel blessed, so blessed, that Heavenly Father is preparing me to soon meet an extraordinary young woman and an extra special child. Daily, I hold on to that beautiful image of a child in our arms and of the overwhelming love that comes when you are a part of a miracle.

Sarah

The Only Way to See the View is to Make the Climb

This week we are enjoying the beautiful lake known as Donner Lake. The air is fresh and crisp, the chipmunks make us laugh, and the bluejays bring a smile to my face as memories of my Grandma come to mind.

These past few weeks, I've felt a little discouraged. It has felt like there have been more "downs" than "ups," and we've found it hard to know where to go next. I found it very comforting when I happened to read an article where Paul V. Johnson describes one of his favorite hikes, full of beautiful vistas and tall limestone cliffs.

He says, "Getting to the top of the cliffs isn't easy, however. The trail there is a constant climb; and just before reaching the top, the climber encounters the steepest part of the trail; and the views of the canyon are hidden by the cliffs themselves."

As I pondered on this, I thought back on the "ups and downs" we have already encountered as we have only just begun this journey. Life is a constant climb and there are moments that you wonder what is up ahead (hidden from our view).

He then continues, "The final exertion is more than worth the effort because once the climber is on top, the views are breathtaking. The only way to see the views is to make the climb."

Mount Hood. Image by Darrell Wyatt

This phrase took on new meaning to me as I thought about "the mountains and the valleys" of this journey. It's often hard to see the "goal" ahead, and you find yourself questioning every step to you take.

This simple paragraph helped encourage me as I think of the beautiful baby that we hope to soon hold in our arms. It will be a climb, but like he says, "The only way to see the [breathtaking] views is to make the climb." We know that this journey will be "more than worth the effort," and we are excited to make the climb.

Sarah